Dealing with disagreements

How can we live in harmony with each other?

Although we live in a world where trouble is inevitable, peace is possible through Jesus Christ, the mediator between God and humanity (1 Tim. 2:5). Christ’s followers are to be like Him and work at maintaining harmonious relationships with fellow human beings.

The peace process destroys barriers and seeks reconciliation through confession, repentance and forgiveness.  Here we consider some practical ways to destroy barriers to peace between people and bring reconciliation.

A mediator takes into consideration the interest of both parties that are separated (Gal. 3:20).  They approach each party in order to communicate and build a relationship (Rev. 3:20). If successful, the barrier is destroyed and the parties are brought together (1 Pet. 3:18). For mediation to be successful, both parties must be willing to be reconciled to one another.  For example, because the Jewish leaders refused Christ’s help, they were never reconciled (Mt. 23:37; Jn. 5:40).

Deal with your own faults

A peacemaker begins by dealing with their own faults.  This is difficult because we readily see faults and problems elsewhere, but fail to see them in ourselves (Mt. 7:3-5). If this is not addressed, we are hypocrites and will not have the respect of others. We must realize that being a Christian does not guarantee Christ-like behavior.

This means facing up to your faults first. Identify the idols in your life; the things that are taking God’s place; the attitudes and motives that lead to sinful behavior. Is there pride and arrogance; hedonism, living for physical pleasure; love of money or possessions; fear of people; obsessive desires? Have you failed to meet your responsibilities (Jas. 4:17)?  Have you spoken harshly, distorted the truth or spread gossip? Are you treating others as you want them to treat you (Mt. 7:12)? Do you thrive on conflict? Have you heightened the barriers to peace with others?

Seek God’s help through the Scriptures, prayer and the assistance of a close friend or relative who can be more objective than you.

We should take responsibility for our wrongs and apply the peace process to destroy the barrier and restore peace by confessing our failures to all directly affected, and repenting by changing the way we think and behave.Once you have dealt with your contribution to a conflict, you may approach others about theirs (Mt. 7:5).

Can the barriers be overlooked?

If barriers to peace still exit, the next step is to consider whether they can be overlooked. Some conflicts are not worth fighting over and should be settled quickly.

We should not make judgements on debatable matters (Rom. 14:1). For instance, don’t criticize believers with different opinions to yours on non-essential matters. In this case it was whether to eat food offered to idols, or whether one day was more sacred than another. Our response to viewpoints that differ from ours must honor God, advance His kingdom and benefit others (1 Cor. 10:31-11:1).

Also, you may be overly sensitive to the wrongs of others. Be careful not to exaggerate the height of the barrier!

By overlooking minor offences we can imitate God’s great forgiveness (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13): “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.  He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities” (Ps. 103:8-10).

Some tests for assessing when a problem or a sin is too serious to overlook are (Ken Sande 1991, “The Peacemaker”, Baker Books):

• Is it damaging your relationship?  Has it created a barrier between you and the other person?  Has it caused you to think differently toward them for more than a short period of time?
• Is it dishonoring to God?  Is it doing serious harm to God’s reputation?  Will others think less of God, His church or of His Word?
• Is it hurting others?  Is it threatening the peace and unity of the church?
• Is it hurting the offender?  Has the sin significantly hurt their spiritual health and reduced their usefulness for God?

Respond to the barriers by investigating the matter

Anything that has disrupted the peace and unity between Christians must be identified, talked over and made right.

The most appropriate response to significant barriers is to recognize and acknowledge them and seek a peaceful settlement through conciliation. It is the collaborative approach of a peacemaker that uses discussion, negotiation and mediation in an attempt to destroy the barriers and bring reconciliation. The objective is to rebuild and restore relationships with others.

After an allegation was made the Israelites were advised; “you must investigate it thoroughly” (Dt. 13:14).  As there are usually at least two sides to every story, it is important to talk to all the parties involved (Josh. 22:13-14; 31-34; Mt. 18:15-17).  Of course, a charge against another person must be supported by at least two or three witnesses.  This is particularly true in the case of elders (1 Tim. 5:19).

Go and be reconciled

Peacemaking is not a passive process.  Remember, Christ came to earth to destroy the sin barrier so we may have peace.  Likewise we should actively pursue peace with those who oppose and mistreat us.  God is depending on us: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18).

If the offence cannot be overlooked then it must be confronted face-to face.  The word for the peacemaker is “go”; “… go and be reconciled to your brother”; “… go and show him his fault” (Mt. 5:24; 18:15).  Christians are to be initiators of reconciliation.

The sequence of events is summarized in the diagram as: confront the barrier, confession, repentance, and forgiveness. A biblical example is, “… If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Lk. 17:3). We should forgive one another, as God has forgiven us (Eph. 4:32).  Christ expects His followers to practise forgiveness.

The peacemaker must calm the storm before there can be peace.  For example, when the disciples were on the lake during a storm, they did not feel safe until Christ calmed the storm (Mt. 8:23-27).  This means that the cause of the problem must be dealt with properly through cooperative negotiation and the barriers destroyed before there can be genuine peace.

A good approach is to give people an opportunity to explain their behavior by asking questions and listening to their explanations (Gen. 3:9-13; Acts 5:8). Unfortunately we often pre-judge on the basis of unreliable information. As in law, others should be assumed to be innocent until the evidence is conclusive.

The method of responding to significant barriers to peace is outlined in Mt. 18:15-17. Firstly talk it over in private, by “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). If this is not successful, involve other conciliators and then church elders.  Finally, after all avenues have been exhausted, a stubborn party should be treated as a nonbeliever; as they are behaving like one by disregarding Scripture and the church. Each step of this process should be done as Christ would do it (Mt. 18:20).

Reconciliation

The bible includes may examples of barriers developing between people and individuals. As he had obtained the inheritance from Isaac by deception, Jacob was estranged from Esau.  Before there could be reconciliation, Jacob sent gifts to Esau and he wrestled with God who caused his hip to be injured and he walked with a limp (Gen. ch. 32-33).

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. Before there could be reconciliation between Joseph and his brothers, Joseph put them through a series of tests to see if they had changed their hearts and to enable Benjamin to be there (Gen. ch. 42-45).

Moses accepted advice from his father-in-law; criticism is more effective when coupled with a recommendation (Ex. 18:13-26). The daughters of Zelophehad brought their concern to Moses and were willing to compromise; go to those who can change the situation and don’t be deterred by traditions (Num. 27:1-11; 36:1-12). This was a bold step for women in those days.

The western tribes of Israel were satisfied after the eastern tribes explained their motives; always verify the truth of a matter before making accusations (Josh. 22:15-30). Daniel was reconciled with Melzar because he offered a win-win solution (Dan. 1:8-16).

Saul wanted to kill David. Jonathan acted as a mediator between the two, he spoke up for David and Saul promised to change and not kill David. Jonathan then convinced David that he was now safe and they were reconciled (1 Sam. 19:1-7). Unfortunately this peace was only brief.

Paul and Barnabas were reconciled with legalists after face-to-face discussion (Acts 15:1-29).  Later Paul questioned Peter publicly after the latter’s hypocrisy and legalism affected the Gentiles (Gal. 2:11-14).

Although the prodigal was reconciled with his father, his brother was not; don’t be influenced by third parties who have their own agendas (Lk. 15:25-32).

In order to resolve a conflict Euodia and Syntche were encouraged to: rejoice in the Lord, be gentle, pray, look for good aspects, and put biblical guidelines into practice (Phil. 4:2-9).

Don’t delay

Everyone wants peace and harmony, but they don’t want to change.  Why don’t you change first?

The  Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph. 4:26). Any barriers hindering relationships should be destroyed as soon as possible because they are often the work of Satan who can use us to accuse one another (Rev. 12:10). The longer an enemy is given territory, the more damage is caused.

All believers should be peacemakers (Jas. 3: 17-18). God wants you to work for peace: in your family, in your business life and in the local church.

How do you respond to barriers to peace? Are you a peacemaker, a peace-faker or a peace breaker?  Are you a part of the problem or a part of the solution?

Summary: Dealing with disagreements

The Peacemaker – Romans 12:18; Hebrews 12:14; James 3:17-18

1. Overlooks minor offences and debatable matters (Romans 14:1; 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1)
2. Responds to barriers to peace (Matthew 5:24; 18:15)
3. Confronts barriers to peace (Matthew 18:15-17)
4. Brings reconciliation wherever possible

Written, April 2003

Also see: Peace, Reconciliation and Unity
How to be a peacemaker