Healthy masculinity

When you put the word “domestic” in a search engine, it replies with the prompt “violence”. This indicates the prevalence of domestic (or family) violence in our society. Statistics for NSW, Australia, are given below. According to the news media there is an epidemic of violence against women in Western Australia. And Queensland’s Police commissioner said that we should be ashamed of the high number of domestic and family violence incidents.

A lawyer who has worked on domestic violence cases believes that women will not be safe from abusive men until the underlying causes of their aggressive behaviour are addressed. She advocates men’s behaviour change programs instead of jailing perpetuators. She also wants to see more education for young males on how to engage in healthy relationships with girls and women, and singled out coercive control as an area that was not well understood.

This blogpost comes from a book written by Al Stewart, whose theme is power used to serve others.

Power and purpose

Power is the ability or opportunity to care for those around you. You can use your power to make a positive difference in your part of the world.

Men have power in many ways. They may have power in their physical size and strength, or in relationships, or in finances, and so on. Healthy masculinity is a willingness to take responsibility and use the power you have to care for and nurture those around you. It will mean living sacrificially. It will cost you time, money, sleep, and many other things. It will require discipline, self-control and self-denial.

Men have power in relationships. This power gives an opportunity to love and care for those around us. As a son, father, husband, or leader they affect other people. They should make those around them feel safe. But selfishness ruins relationships.

The more men who will sacrificially love and care for those around them, the safer our society will be for everyone, especially the vulnerable.

We need to encourage the development of men who will take responsibility for the people around them; men who will act responsibly as husbands, fathers, sons, colleagues and leaders. Leadership is a masculine trait (Appendix).

Don’t be like Adam (the first man) who was given responsibility to lead, but he was passive instead and let Eve (the first woman) take the initiative. Instead, be a man who will protect the vulnerable. Be ready to stand up, or speak up or step up for those who need help. Nurture and protect life. And protect women.

Husbands are to be considerate towards their wives and honor and respect them because they are women (1 Pt. 3:7). This includes meeting their need for encouragement, protection and support. That’s what girls and women need.

Men need a sense of purpose and a moral framework to show them how to use their strength well. And the best way to have this is to be a follower of Jesus, who came to serve others (Mk. 10:45). Jesus is the greatest example of how people should use power. He said that greatness comes from serving others. Jesus came to die and He asks us to give up our lives in serving Him and others. This is the opposite of selfishness.

Self-control and delayed gratification

Life requires self-control to combat the temptations we face daily. There is the risk of addiction to gambling, alcohol, drugs, video games, pornography, or over-eating. Self-control is the ability to control our emotions and desires in difficult situations.

Delayed gratification helps – it’s resisting an immediate reward in the hope of obtaining a better reward in the future. Self-control and delayed gratification are key to a successful life. Like an athlete you need to focus on the longer-term goal, not just the immediate situation. If you’ve ever studied for an exam when you would rather be doing something else, or practised a musical instrument or a sport, or saved up to buy something, you’ve exercised self-control and pursued delayed gratification.

Self-control is required to play most sports. If you break a rule, there is a penalty. A lack of concentration in cricket can lead to a dismissal or a dropped catch.

Self-control is one of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). So the Holy Spirit helps those who follow Jesus to develop self-control.

Endurance and patience

What about the times when life feels mundane?

Paul told the Colossians, “We also pray that you will be strengthened with all His [God’s] glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need” (Col. 1:11NLT). God provides the energy for the Christian life. He makes the power available to do what He wants of us. It takes God’s power to endure circumstances and to be patient with people. The strength of your spiritual life will be tested when life becomes grim with tragedy, sickness, surgery, or death. Endurance faces adverse circumstances head-on. It is an unrelenting persistence in the power of God, even in the face of difficulty and trial. It doesn’t give up. Patience is self-control in the face of provocation without retaliation or revenge. It’s being able to take criticism.

80% of life is just turning up, by committing to a person or a cause and following through on your commitment. Keep on doing it day after day, week after week, and year after year. You keep turning up to make a difference. Being there for a spouse, or a child, or a relative, or a neighbor, or a church friend will make a huge difference. So, show up, be there, and speak up to make a difference. If you are a Christian it means serving Jesus, which has eternal value. Knowing why you’re doing it, and who you’re doing it for, makes all the difference.

Boys and men

Boys care about themselves, while men care about others. All men need to learn:
– Life is hard. It’s not easy.
– You are not that important
– Your life is not about you
– You are not in control
– You are going to die

Accepting these truths will change the way we treat other people. And those who follow Jesus are promised:
– Life is hard, but it will be for our good (Rom. 8:28-29).
– You are not that important, but Jesus died for you (1 Pt. 1:18-19).
– Your life is not about you, but there is greatness in serving others (Mk. 10:43-45).
– You are not in control, but God is in control (Mt. 6:25-30).
– You are going to die, but you will be resurrected back to life (1 Cor. 15:12-58).

So, if you follow Jesus, you are called to grow up and take responsibility. Then you can show healthy masculinity and make wise choices and invest in the lives of others (to care for them).

Conclusion

Let’s grow up from being selfish boys to be sacrificial men who use their power to care for and nurture those around us. And let’s keep turning up to make a difference.

Are you providing encouragement, protection and support to the girls and women in your life?

That’s healthy masculinity.

Appendix: Masculine and feminine traits

The masculine has the capacity to initiate, an outer directness, the ability to exercise authority or make decisions, and a passion for the truth.

The feminine has the capacity to respond, an inner directedness, the power that gives and sustains life, and a strong preference toward love or mercy.

By God’s design the masculine traits predominate in men and the feminine in women.

Acknowledgement

This blogpost comes from a book written by Al Stewart.

Reference

Stewart A, 2022, “The manual – Getting masculinity right”, Matthais Media.

Posted, June 2024